Control: on Tilling Tuesdays

I would have never called myself a controlling type of person: fo the most part I think of myself as quite laid-back- perhaps not in the kitchen or over meal planning- but in all other areas I had considered myself relaxed.  Funny though; I find myself in this season and it seems the Lord is taking away things I like, no love, no HAVE to control and it has been quite a hard thing for me to relinquish this control.

Let's begin with myself.  My headaches.  They are back.  I thought I had found the culprit with our hand-crank grain mill and the noise- that grating roughened noise.  And yes, understanding that cause has helped but they are back again these past few weeks and how discouraged I am because of them.  we bought a netty-pot for me the other day and yes that has helped too, but last night after a perfect day, I felt on start to creep in and I was plain and simple: frustrated.  I think the part that is hardest for me is not knowing- not having a NAME for these headaches.  We have tried many different cures: gluten-free, no grinding, earphones while grinding, face-mask while grinding, new electric grain-mill (we traded ours to Marlene and Greg!!), netty-pot, etc.  And just when I think we've found the cure, there it is again.  So hard for me!  I try to control it, I WANT to control it by knowing (my current thought now is they are a combo of seasonal allergies, since they began last year at this exact time, as well as tension headaches due to a tight neck).  And so it was, last night, after the perfect day, just one small headache brought my world crashing down and I was so stubborn and so low.  My sweet husband, he has all the patience in the world for this woman, and soon I was sitting on the counter top, next to him while he blended his morning smoothie, able to see past the headache, to see past the moment.  I realized I wasn't carrying the weight of the world and that this little trial (though so small at moments so heavy in its weight upon me), this will pass.  I realized, if I could just keep the inheritance that is mine, at the forefront of my mind, headaches would seem but a whisper in the wind.  If I could but just  come to a place to say, with an open-hand: If I get a headache, it's ok.  I will still give thanks.  If I could but just come to a place, the hardest place, and still lean in and see and say THANK YOU.  For our inheritance?  Great endurance!  Great Patience!  Joyful Thanks! (Col 1:11-12)

Continuing on to Tirzah.  Becoming a Mama is what really has shown me my need and desire for control.  You all are well-acquainted with my battle with her sleep.  well it seems, once again the Lord is using her sleep (or lack of it!) to teach me and how much longer until I learn completely?  The little lady has been waking earlier and earlier: 6:15 and then 5:50 and then 5:40 and now today? 5:24.  Whew!  But, is it so I am indeed slowly learning?! My feathers were surely not as ruffled yesterday morn as they so often have before.  yes, there was a battle in prayer to joyfully welcome this little lady in my arms, but shortly after, over the messiest morning counter ever, we sang of the Lord's victory.  Just a sweet little song, one we made up as we went along: singing of the victory of a joyful, love-filled early early morn.  for the past 2 years I have tried and tried again to maintain control in this area-perhaps I almost fully understand that I do not, and can not control it, and that's ok.  And it doesn't mean that I am a bad Mama if her sleeping patterns are irregular.  All that matters is: am I strengthened in His might to have Great Endurance!  Great Patience! and am I giving Joyful Thanks that Heaven's grace may be seen and known and touched and felt by Little One?


And then.  I am so sorry if this is too much information, especially for my non-Mama readers.  But just one more area where the Lord is taking away the control I thought I had. . . Tirzah and her bowel movements.  I know.  Potty training was going so well and then who knows?  We traveled, we were in a different home, we were eating different food?  The Little Lady had such a hard time one time and that is what did us in.  She is so scared of going to the bathroom (not even on the toilet!) and now she holds it for days. . . and days. . . and days. . . which makes it all the more worse!  It has been a trial for me too, though we know it is for her, poor girl!  But how discouraged I get when I KNOW she has to go, when I KNOW it is the best thing for her- and then she won't do it.  And so then that is what makes me want to control it: how desperately I wish I could control it (I have a feeling that this battle will resurface again when she is a teenager and then it will not be over going to the bathroom!  Perhaps it is good I am learning to come with an open hand and a praying mind towards Mommyhood?!).  As of now, we are adding Miralax 2x a day and trying to avoid "binding foods".  Our hope is perhaps this will help her little body recover and bring her to an understanding that going to the bathroom is good. . . and it does not hurt. Even so, the Lord is bringing me to a place to say: even if she does not go today, and even if she holds it for days on end, and even if she has to wiggle and twist this way and that because of discomfort, I will still say God is good and sovereign and we will give great thanks for Tirzah's life and her overall health and growth.


A season of losing control. . . in a good way.  Losing control over all things domestic and daily; the hardest things of which to let go.  But may it be so in the burying of control, there grows an "herb of grace" and a flower of sweet release with blossoms of joy.

Well, I have joys and sorrows from the garden to share.

With which do I begin?

Sometimes Daniel will tell me that: " have good news and bad news.  Which would you like first?"  I always ask for the bad news first, so let me start with my garden sorrows first.


Our sunflower.  Our gorgeous gorgeous sunflower fell over.  Indeed, it is true.

I had tied up that sunflower several months ago, around the time we were Hawaii-bound.  A slight wind had made the tender stalk topple over, so I used some kitchen twine to hold it up, tying it to the fence.  That helped, for that particular part of this sunflower's life.  And I have thought to myself several times since then, "I should probably cut that twine off now..."  but I never actually got around to cutting it off.

That twine is what caused our sunflower's downfall.  On Sunday we had some heavy gusts of wind and that twine simply severed the sunflower right where I had tied it.  A clean cut.  I went to fill my glass with water on Sunday during the afternoon and looked out to see our gorgeous giant lying limp across our potato plants.

How devastating!!


Now I have it propped in a blue mason jar full of water, hoping and willing it to still grow, to still open fully and show it's beauty.  But how limp the leaves look now!  Those leaves which once amazed me with their sturdiness and grandeur.  What a shame!

I was telling Marlene about our sad sad sunflower and said that you could preach a sermon about this flower.  About how something in one season of your life that promotes growth, if allowed to carry over into other seasons of your life, will actually wreck havoc.  I have thought a little upon this thought, but not too long and hard and have yet to think of an example.  Allow me more time to think upon this spiritual thought and get back to you. . . any thoughts from your life?


And now for the garden's bounty and joys!

Harvesting carrots!

I don't think she quite liked the dirt on this one... 

I LOVE That she still has a little dollup of milk on her chin. . . 

I am a bit embarrassed by my homemade tomato stakes!  Oh how I need my husband here!

The 2 zucchini plants that weren't demolished by little Isaac.  They haven't produced yet, but they are sure looking healthy!  

She loves to roll in the grass these days!  I think she learned it, actually, from Elliott!  My brother's dog! :)

And yesterday Melissa and I finished canning our Zucchini Bread and Butter Pickles.  They are delicious!  And I truly think summer's bounty is beautiful: even inside a jar.  What a wonderful way to spend your time and putting your hands to good work.  I do think there is such joy and life in the work of sustainability.

Next on the canning-to-do list:

romano beans (we got over a pound of these long white beans from the farm, and Melissa and I don't quite know what to do with them!  So we are going to make Romano Beans with Indian Spices tomorrow. . . )

sweet onions (perhpas. . .  the farm had a bumper crop of these delicious onions and it might be fun to save some for the winter months. . .  maybe even add in the 8 we have in our garden.  Or save those. . . not quite sure yet what to do)

Blackberry jam!  We have been picking around a pound each morning on our walks and we can't wait to make some jam.



I am also excited because I just ordered some seeds online!  I can't wait to receive and plant: beets, spinach, and kale to see if I can get some this fall.  Beets are a new love of mine and I can't wait to see if I can grow them in our backyard.  It might be a little too late this season, but I am still going to try.

Awakened

The day began with her cries at 6 am.

Oh my.  Last week, on Tuesday and Wednesday, she slept until 8 am.  I am so confused, always so confused, how she can change so much.  Yet she has woken before 6:30 for the past few days and my Mama's body and my Mama's mind and my Wife's heart are simply weary.

Simply weary.

Yes we are 14 weeks into deployment and yes we have seen and recalled and known the Lord's faithfulness time and time again through these 14 weeks, these 98 days.  But yet still, I am weary.  The newness of deployment has worn off and the day-in and day-out routine without my husband is so very hard and once again, I am ready for this to be over.  We are 1/3 complete with deployment, but these 2/3 rds that are left just seem so large and huge and almost impossible.  These weeks, these days, one after the other, these moments, these ones right here in the middle, I think these will be the hardest of this season of deployment.  Indeed, the "doldrums" have set in.

My husband called on Sunday morning and what a blessing it was to spend precious time with him over the phone.  His heart is in the same place too.  Aching.  Almost numb.  Our bodies are carrying us to the places we need to go, but our hearts are with the other and sometimes it really just seems as if we are alive but we can't quite fully be present because our other half is missing.  Does that make sense?  I feel as if I can't fully be alive because I am not fully complete without him.  Yet what a beautiful time we had together on the phone; we had time to just cry.  To just simply say this is so hard and this hurts and help.  To just simply hold one another with our words, through the miles and through the distance.

Simply weary.

My heart is weary with the absence of my husband and I myself have been weary as a Mother.  Is not the sacred burden of Motherhood and parenting the most difficult?  Our precious daughter is indeed precious, but to behold her, like beholding any other child or human, is to behold human nature in it's most organic state, which is simply, sinful.  I am weary for I can't seem to communicate to my daughter the disgrace of hitting.  Yes, she hits.  Other children, me, adults, animals.  She hits quite easily and how it breaks my heart to see her living that way.

Simply worn out.

That was how I felt this afternoon, after I laid her down to rest and when I had crawled in my own bed to weep.  Tired and burdened and how much longer must I bear these?  And so I cried and I lamented and I questioned and I buried my face in the pillow and I read and I remembered that He said:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

And I thought about Manna Monday and the Lord's provision through the presence of my brother here this weekend and the way he gave, and led, and served.  And I thought about how my husband and I were both weary at the same moment and we were able to process and cry through the hard moments together, though separate.  And I thought about the fact that children are a blessing from the Lord and how beautiful and healthy and spirited this daughter is.

 I looked back at the week, week 14 of deployment, and I thought about the chain that we have been sending to my husband and the blessings of this week that will be added:

Tuesday:   A great day with Laurie: watching Tirzah play in the fountains and then receiving Daniel's call!

Wednesday:  I felt sick all day long but Tirzah comforted me while I was feeling the absolute worst

Thursday:  Going over to dinner at Melissa's house

Friday:  an evening of drinking tea, playing Cribbage, and talking with my brother

Saturday:  Spending the whole day making soap!

Sunday:  The gift of sleeping in while Michael woke with Tirzah and then the gift of my husband's call

Monday:  Having our first little "artsy" time where I wrote a letter and Tirzah stood beside me on the bench and painted.

And after having turned my mind to think upon the goodness of the Lord instead of upon my weary state, I found the strength to get out of bed and step into the day and what a beautiful afternoon He gave us.  It seemed as though the day was turned around.  I cried no more tears and so my eyes were clear to behold the beauty of the Lord in our own backyard garden,

These are our beans that we planted just a little while ago!

and my eyes were clear to see the gift of answered prayer.  I called Marlene and Greg just briefly to tell them that Tirzah and I had seen some type of animal out in the water while we were down at the beach this afternoon.  I couldn't quite tell if it was a dolphin, an orca, or a sea lion!  But we could hear it splashing around all the way on the shore, we saw it several times come out of the water just a touch, and we heard it spray/breathe a few times as well!  So I had called them just to share our adventure with someone, and she said they had just finished praying that I would have one specific moment that would bring me joy this day.  Amen!

So I say goodnight now, indeed with my heart on the other side of the world, but not feeling as weary as when I was last curled in these sheets just a few hours ago.  May it be said now, that I, that we, are 

simply awakened

for we come weary and burdened to Him and He gives us rest, and we are rest in Him that we might see and believe and be awakened to his goodness

Sweet Sunflowers

Another Tilling Tuesday to celebrate the beauty of our gardens!

A basketful of Marigold blossoms!  For tea and also for our soap making adventures this weekend with my brother.

A beautiful new wildflower that I haven't seen before in our yard

All wildflowers

our tomato plants!

One giant sunflower: it comes up to my neck, just about!

This is another sunflower, just about to open.  How gorgeous it will be!

So these are the remains of my pumpkin and squash plants.  Last week during our dinner club, I looked out the back window just in time to see on of the children with the hoe above his head, aimed and ready to attack my plants!  I got there too late: they had already been pulverized.  Oh well... pumpkins I guess will have to be next year's theme!

Well, this is a foretaste of our carrots!  That same child's curiosity got the best of him and he pulled up some of our carrots.  To give him credit: he was harvesting his carrots in his own garden, and just thought ours were ready too!  But I am going to give them a bit longer: but what hope and encouragement these offered me!

Week 13 of deployment is complete!

Today, exactly, marks 3 months of deployment over and DONE!  Praise the Lord!

Tuesday:  Hosting our dinner club and having 14 people!  We ate out at the park and it was such a lovely evening

Wednesday:  AFter dinner Tirzah crawled up on the bench and said "Bible".  She crawled into my lap for our nightly bible reading!  It was precious.

Thursday:  Taking a delightful 2 hour nap in our cozy fresh bed today.  And then waking up to hear Daniel's voice over the phone

Friday:  Arriving at Alison's house after VBS and finding that Tirzah was still napping.  so Alison and I shared some coffee together.

Saturday:  A good day!  Picking fresh lavender in the quiet early morning and receiving Daniel's call!

Sunday:  We had a really wonderful morning out in Olympia with coffee and croissants from The Bread Peddler and then we played at the park and then we played in the water.  It was a beautiful morning out together.

Monday:  Skyping with anna this afternoon and then being treated to a Starbucks hazelnut hot chocolate with Alison!

Have I shared about our monthly deployment "words"?  Marlene and I choose a theme word each month of deployment, and focus our time of prayer for 3rd platoon around this word.  Previously, we have prayed and focused on the words:

PRESERVE

DELIVER

SHIELD

and for month number 4 of deployment, we will be focusing upon the word:

REDEEM

"Into your hand I commit my spirit;

You have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God."  

Psalm 31:5

Will you please join us in praying this theme word over our Soldier and his men during this month of their deployment?

Tilling Tuesdays

11 weeks of deployment are complete!

Praise the Lord!

These are the blessings that we will send on to my husband, one from each day of the week:

Tuesday:  It was a harder day because Greg and marlene left- the goodbyes made me realize again that we are alone.  But, we went for a walk this afternoon and then sun broke through the clouds: oh how it made me weep with thanksgiving!

Wednesday: Spending the whole day outside in the sunshine!  Truly: a walk in the morn, a bike ride in the afternoon, and firework at night!

Thursday:  The first step outside in the morn: the air smells so fresh and delicious- like the smell of camping.

Friday:  My new devo spot!  On the guest bed with a tray for my coffee, water, almonds, and fresh flowers.  The sun is brilliantly shining and I absolutely love having my coffee in bed!

Saturday: we had a delightful walk down to DuPont beach today and we both really enjoyed looking at/catching baby crabs.

Sunday: a harder day with the news of Josiah's death, but I was so blessed by the beauty and faithfulness of the sunset

Monday:  Daniel's call!  I had given up hope for a call this week and thought I would have to wait another week, and his call was like the balm of Gilead.

Speaking of sending things to Daniel, I have a new address for him.  He has been beyond blessed with all the packages he has received!  Thank you so very very much for all the time, thought, and love you have put in to each and every item sent.  It means the world to both of us.  Here is his new address:

1st LT Shear, Daniel

3rd PLT B. CO 4-23 IN 2/2 SBCT

FOB AZIZULAH (COP AJK)

APO AE  09370

I am just loving our garden!  Just to see the wildflowers growing from the kitchen window, to pick fresh sugar snap peas each morning, and to smell the harvest of the marigold flowers, what marvelous wonder to behold!  I didn't take pictures of all the plots this week, but I do want to share some pictures of how I am enjoying the fruit of the garden

So to clarify, I have completely misunderstood!  All along I have thought that Calendula and Marigold were the same thing: they are not!  So we have Marigolds growing in our garden, and have been harvesting those!  Thankfully, they are a useful and edible herb!!  From my Herb book that was gifted by the dearest Watkins family, French Marigolds are used medicinally for stomach upsets, eye inflammation, and indigestion.  Just so you know!  Sorry to have confused you!

Fresh cut wildflowers to greet you as you enter.  I just love this yellow flower.  It smells like sweet honey!

Marlene and Greg's plane just took off and the house is so very quiet.

It has been over 3 weeks of their sweet sweet company and as I look around at this empty house and I look around at these empty moments, I can't help but cry silent tears and wonder, "what do I do now?"

The pain of Daniel's absence subsides a little with a visitor or two and a different schedule to fill the days.  But my heart has been missing him so badly these past days, probably in anticipation of saying goodbye to his parents.  It seems that saying goodbye to anyone reminds me of the pain of that goodbye, now over 10 weeks ago, and it reminds me that this is a season of absolute dependence.  For people will continue to come and will continue to go, but God always remains.  And through the midst of changing schedules and changing routines day to day with the welcome of friends and family, God never changes.

I am so thankful for that.

I am so thankful too for these past 3 weeks that we have spent with Greg and Marlene.  From time playing at the beach to time playing in the rain to quiet moments over coffee to laughter around the table, it has been a beautiful time together and Tirzah and I, and Daniel too, have been so blessed with their ever giving, ever loving, ever serving presence.

Here we are with some family friends

I am so thankful too for the work that the Lord has given me, that I might simply have the strength and the courage to "do the next thing".  To pray for my husband, myself, and our daughter.  To serve and help and nurture Tirzah this day by praying and leading in wisdom (as I am still a little confused at what she needs sleep-wise. . . we are working on transitioning from the change in time-zones!).  To tend to the home and the garden.  Here are some pictures of our garden as it appears just now:

wildflowers!

Onions

We have 2 little green tomatoes!

This is our giant sunflower which I am so excited about!  I had to tie it up today because the winds last night blew it over.  But it is supposed to be 2 feet in diameter!

Our peas are producing deliciously

I cheated and bought 3 pumpkins and 2 acorn squash plants at the farmers market on Sunday.  (well actually, Marlene and Greg gifted them to us!)  The seedlings we planted before Hawaii have not come up, so I just decided to buy some plants and try for seedlings next year.

And I am so thankful that 10 weeks of deployment are complete.  Indeed, the Lord's faithfulness can be traced all the way through these weeks.  When I talked to Daniel last he said these chain links were such a blessing to him, just to give him a little insight into our day to day lives.  Allow me to share the blessings of this past week, week 10 with you, before I send them off to our Soldier overseas:

Tuesday:  Gathering our first harvest from the garden: fresh peas!

Wednesday:  Sleeping in until 9:30!  Everyone was so tired after our red-eye flight home from Hawaii, and everyone slept until 9:30, Tirzah slept until 11 or so!

Thursday:  A morning's walk in the garden with my coffee.  I can't wait to do that with Daniel again.  The air smells so heavenly first thing in the morning.

Friday:  Sitting out in the back yard with Greg and Marlene- all of us reading quietly.

Saturday:  I had some alone time today at a coffee shop in Olympia while Greg and Marlene babysat.  When I came home, Tirzah ran to me with her arms stretched our for a big hug.

Sunday: Daniel called!!  I was my favorite call by far! (I will share more of the details with you tomorrow)

Monday:  We built a sofa fort!  We pulled the couch apart at the two different sections and put a blanket over the separation.  And then we moved the buffet so one of the compartments that doesn't have a backing on it, was lined up with the tunnel from the couch.  We all crawled through it!  Tirzah loved it so much, being chased by Marlene and Greg and being able to "hide" in the little tunnel. Even Greg went through!

A chain of blessings

7 Weeks down

7 weeks of deployment are over!  What praises form on our lips even this very night!  Thank you Lord for seeing us through these weeks.

This week, this seventh week of deployment, we will send these blessings along to my husband:

Tuesday:  Best part of my day: the surprise call from Daniel!

Wednesday: Our first small group was great!  The small group consisted of mainly women whose husbands were deployed; it was great to be connected with them.

Thursday:  The Lord being so present in the afternoon and just filling the moments: the beginning of potty training!

Friday: Watching Barney with Tirzah!  I know that sounds silly, but she was so cute and cuddly and was just absolutely loving life with her little snack bowl of crackers and her blankie and milk tucked in close.

Saturday: Crawling into the crib with Tirzah after her nap and watching her eyes grow wide with excitement and wonder!  I didn't know if the crib would hold my weight, but it did!  And we played in there with her stuffed animals and she crawled/bounced all over me.  Such tummy laughter we shared together.

Sunday:  Picking up Greg and Marlene from the airport and then getting Daniel's call right as we walked inside the house.

Monday: I took a little nap in your green chair this afternoon after I had my second homemade latte.  I was reading and praying and it felt so good to just fall asleep.

And pictures of the garden to share the miracle and beauty of God's Creation

Rows of wildflowers

Our onions!

Basil, Calendula, and Tomatoes

Potato corner

Our peas!  Truly, they are almost as tall as I am now!

I had no idea snap peas had small delicate flowers... just a miracle

It doesn't look like much, but Marlene and I just planted zucchini, delicata squash, and pumpkins in this patch just yesterday!