Do you have those days too? Those days where you cry a tear here and then laugh a giggle there? Where your eyes feel puffy and your face feels tight with the salt and you are just simply exhausted?
May I just say that today was one of those days. An extreme one of those days. Please allow me to walk you through my thought life, this day. I warn you that it is not pretty and I am not proud of it. Some moments I have such joy and such a peace and a hope. But other moments, life just seems impossible. Yet it is in the moments that God calls us to be faithful. Some moments indeed I am; most moments I am selfish and ungrateful and awful. But what a wonder His grace is! That He is making all things new and he is redeeming all things. Even awful selfish moments. Even days like these:
6 am: upstairs
Wow that alarm clock is loud, and praise the Lord for getting through another night.
Sunshine! And not a cloud in the sky! My I love that hue of yellow in the stairwell, the color of early morning warm sunshine.
Wait, is that her? Really?! I can't stop my tears! Lord, I don't have the strength to do this day. I don't know if I can. Oh Lord I can't! An extra hour with her awake, oh I can't! And what time do I put her down now? If I put her down at 10 what if she sleeps 4 hours but then it's only 2 and then there are so many hours until her bedtime. What do I do with her? I don't have the strength, my strength is already so weak, Lord. Is this to be her new schedule? I'm not ready for that!
6:35: Tirzah's room
How did all of her stuffed animals get out of the crib? And why is blankie out too? Oh please don't smile and be cute, I don't want to be nice or kind with you. Why are you awake so early??
8:00: our morning's walk
This is just gorgeous. This bluff that overlooks the Sound, with the Olympic range in clear view to the left, bright yellow flowers surrounding us, and Rainier in it's glory to the right. Indeed, nature causes my eyes to look heavenward and know that He has all things under control. Oh my, she is SO cute! I can just barely see her head over the tall weeds as she trudges her way along after Elliott. She is such the little adventurer!
10:30: receiving a call and an email
There was an incident? In Afghanistan? Roadside bombs? 7 men injured? Well I didn't receive a call, so it must not be Daniel, thank the Lord. But was it his men? I don't know what I would do if I received that call... Praise God they were not killed! Oh my I feel sick and anxious and a bad type of butterfliey all over. I recognize now what it means to have my husband at war and how absolutely crucial it is for me to be praying. Lord, thank you. Thank you that is was not Daniel and thank you that no one was killed. Is this bad that I am saying that? For it is someone's husband and how is that someone reacting, even now? Lord, help.
11:30: outside in the sunshine, resting in the lawn chair after sowing wildflowers
Psalm 27:11 Teach me your way, O Lord; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors. do not turn me over to the desire of my foes...
Psalm 28:6 Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.
Psalm 29:11 The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.
Isaiah 40:31 But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not grow faint.
1:15: On my knees, upstairs
Can she really be awake already? Lord, I was hoping it would be a really long nap, I needed a 4 hour nap. You are really taking me through the trials today. I have not the strength. I don't want to slip back into the trap of her sleep dictating my whole world. Lord I need your victory yet again! I cry for mercy! I cry for help. Help please Lord.
2:45: At my friends house for a play date
Oh my what a lovely spread! This is picture perfect. She baked individual mini loaves! And the strawberries are a perfect touch. The coffee smells delicious and I can't even believe the view from their windows! The sound's blue waves, the white-caps of the Olympic range, and the cream of a ship's sail. My gracious. Yet again Lord, you hold all things together and I see and I witness it in this moment. Trust. Hope. Breathe.
5:20: In the backyard in the sunshine
I am so thankful to have my family who supports me. Calls from everyone with concern and prayers and thanksgivings. Where did this week go? I can't believe it is already Friday again. Praise God the week went by quickly. I miss my Mom! I am thankful that I spent this hard part of the evening on the phone with family and not by feeling lonely
7:00: Tirzah's room
Oh baby girl why are you shaking? What's wrong sweet pea? Oh is it a new diaper rash? Oh I know baby girl that that hurts so bad and Mama will be so gentle. Ok, all done, there it's ok now. Let's just leave a diaper off and let it get some fresh air. Oh sweet sweet, does it even hurt to walk? You poor girl.
9:00: Looking into the bathroom mirror
Oh my. Those circles are so huge and dark. Come snuggle with me, sweet and faithful companion, Elliott. Lord may our sleep be so sweet and restful and rejuvenating. And if this wee one is to wake at 6 again, may there be transforming grace instead of questioning complaints.
Goodnight
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