Control: on Tilling Tuesdays

I would have never called myself a controlling type of person: fo the most part I think of myself as quite laid-back- perhaps not in the kitchen or over meal planning- but in all other areas I had considered myself relaxed.  Funny though; I find myself in this season and it seems the Lord is taking away things I like, no love, no HAVE to control and it has been quite a hard thing for me to relinquish this control.

Let's begin with myself.  My headaches.  They are back.  I thought I had found the culprit with our hand-crank grain mill and the noise- that grating roughened noise.  And yes, understanding that cause has helped but they are back again these past few weeks and how discouraged I am because of them.  we bought a netty-pot for me the other day and yes that has helped too, but last night after a perfect day, I felt on start to creep in and I was plain and simple: frustrated.  I think the part that is hardest for me is not knowing- not having a NAME for these headaches.  We have tried many different cures: gluten-free, no grinding, earphones while grinding, face-mask while grinding, new electric grain-mill (we traded ours to Marlene and Greg!!), netty-pot, etc.  And just when I think we've found the cure, there it is again.  So hard for me!  I try to control it, I WANT to control it by knowing (my current thought now is they are a combo of seasonal allergies, since they began last year at this exact time, as well as tension headaches due to a tight neck).  And so it was, last night, after the perfect day, just one small headache brought my world crashing down and I was so stubborn and so low.  My sweet husband, he has all the patience in the world for this woman, and soon I was sitting on the counter top, next to him while he blended his morning smoothie, able to see past the headache, to see past the moment.  I realized I wasn't carrying the weight of the world and that this little trial (though so small at moments so heavy in its weight upon me), this will pass.  I realized, if I could just keep the inheritance that is mine, at the forefront of my mind, headaches would seem but a whisper in the wind.  If I could but just  come to a place to say, with an open-hand: If I get a headache, it's ok.  I will still give thanks.  If I could but just come to a place, the hardest place, and still lean in and see and say THANK YOU.  For our inheritance?  Great endurance!  Great Patience!  Joyful Thanks! (Col 1:11-12)

Continuing on to Tirzah.  Becoming a Mama is what really has shown me my need and desire for control.  You all are well-acquainted with my battle with her sleep.  well it seems, once again the Lord is using her sleep (or lack of it!) to teach me and how much longer until I learn completely?  The little lady has been waking earlier and earlier: 6:15 and then 5:50 and then 5:40 and now today? 5:24.  Whew!  But, is it so I am indeed slowly learning?! My feathers were surely not as ruffled yesterday morn as they so often have before.  yes, there was a battle in prayer to joyfully welcome this little lady in my arms, but shortly after, over the messiest morning counter ever, we sang of the Lord's victory.  Just a sweet little song, one we made up as we went along: singing of the victory of a joyful, love-filled early early morn.  for the past 2 years I have tried and tried again to maintain control in this area-perhaps I almost fully understand that I do not, and can not control it, and that's ok.  And it doesn't mean that I am a bad Mama if her sleeping patterns are irregular.  All that matters is: am I strengthened in His might to have Great Endurance!  Great Patience! and am I giving Joyful Thanks that Heaven's grace may be seen and known and touched and felt by Little One?


And then.  I am so sorry if this is too much information, especially for my non-Mama readers.  But just one more area where the Lord is taking away the control I thought I had. . . Tirzah and her bowel movements.  I know.  Potty training was going so well and then who knows?  We traveled, we were in a different home, we were eating different food?  The Little Lady had such a hard time one time and that is what did us in.  She is so scared of going to the bathroom (not even on the toilet!) and now she holds it for days. . . and days. . . and days. . . which makes it all the more worse!  It has been a trial for me too, though we know it is for her, poor girl!  But how discouraged I get when I KNOW she has to go, when I KNOW it is the best thing for her- and then she won't do it.  And so then that is what makes me want to control it: how desperately I wish I could control it (I have a feeling that this battle will resurface again when she is a teenager and then it will not be over going to the bathroom!  Perhaps it is good I am learning to come with an open hand and a praying mind towards Mommyhood?!).  As of now, we are adding Miralax 2x a day and trying to avoid "binding foods".  Our hope is perhaps this will help her little body recover and bring her to an understanding that going to the bathroom is good. . . and it does not hurt. Even so, the Lord is bringing me to a place to say: even if she does not go today, and even if she holds it for days on end, and even if she has to wiggle and twist this way and that because of discomfort, I will still say God is good and sovereign and we will give great thanks for Tirzah's life and her overall health and growth.


A season of losing control. . . in a good way.  Losing control over all things domestic and daily; the hardest things of which to let go.  But may it be so in the burying of control, there grows an "herb of grace" and a flower of sweet release with blossoms of joy.