She woke after only an hour or so from her morning nap. Supposedly nourished from her sleep but I fought long and hard over the amount of time. Too short, I thought. For me, this has been one of those re-occuring struggles of Motherhood. I hope beyond hope that she will take deep, long, restful naps both morning and afternoon. I expect it, I suppose. And isn't it the expectations that hurt relationships to the core?
She wakes up and I can feel the frustration and the anger swell inside of me and I try to choke them down but they spill out, tears streaming down. Why is this always such a big deal? My attitude has changed towards her and she and I can both feel it. I set her down, when all she wants is to be held; but all I want is to be held and to have help in this moment and to not feel that I have to bear it alone. I surrender to my knees and let the tears come. She looks on and crawls over to do the same, next to me, but I have not the heart to notice.
There is a block in the rain and in all of it's glory, the sun shone. "I don't understand this weather today." Hats, coats, boots, and gloves on for both Tirzah and I and we were out the door to enjoy a walk of fresh air. Tirzah in the backpack and I on the pavement. We walked. The world was clothed in wet: droplets of nourishment on leaves here and little drum beats falling from branches there. The land had been nourished. My heart was being nourished. Something so small as a sweet baby girl's sleep can rattle me deeply and bring forth the tears and the words that say: "I don't want her to be awake!" And I strain against that which is and I harden my heart. Even Jesus "fell with his face to the ground and prayed, 'My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will'"(Matthew 26:39).
Yet it is HIS will that is always done, and always there is nourishment. Like the manna.
"When we are despairing, we can choose to live as Israelites gathering manna. For forty long years, God's people daily eat manna- a substance whose name literally means "What is it?" Hungry, they choose to gather up that which is baffling. They fill on that which has no meaning. More than 14,600 days they take their daily nourishment from that which they don't comprehend. The find soul-filling in the inexplicable.
They eat the mystery.
They eat the mystery.
And the mystery, that which made no sense, is "like wafers of honey" on the lips...
I think of... all the mysteries I have refused, refused, to let nourish me" (Voskamp, Ann. One Thousand Gifts).
Like the land, nourished by the rain that fell hard, I break and allow the grace that falls hard to nourish me. Oh! To allow the manna-grace-rain of every day to nourish me and not to harden my heart simply because I don't understand. To be nourished by His will because I believe that He only works for good.
And there they are again-those golden grace pearls of Eternal Royalty.
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