Mysteries

It is raining outside today, like it was yesterday.  But I do not mind it.  Actually, I welcome it this day.  It is calming and healing, in a sort of way.  The three of us, Elliott, Tirzah, and I went for our walk this morning in the rain.  And I rejoiced at the feeling: the cleansing rain falling all around.  Bouncing on leaves just the shade of green you imagine to see in this Evergreen State, the fresh feeling in the air, and the intoxicating smells of the forest floor.  It was a magical to see and to hear and to feel and to be alive in a Pacific Northwest forest.  To simply lose oneself amidst the new growth of the ferns and the trees; amongst the berries ripening pink and cream in the springtime air.  Simply gorgeous; simply life-giving.

And I didn't mind it, the rain, which is a prayer answered in itself, when Little One and I played at the park after the walk.  I called her my little polk-a-dotted raindrop as she bounced from here to there: first the swing then the next swing then the yellow twirling bowl oh and then to the green slide.  The provision of rain makes this day a beautiful sort of cozy day.  A day to package gifts meant to be sent to new Mamas afar.  A day to visit the library with your daughter and a day to cuddle in your husbands green chair and drink in his scent that still lingers in this certain spot.  A day to lose yourself in words on a page; a day to introduce your daughter to the love and precious delight of reading.

If you can see, she has a little bowl of trail mix, her basket of books, and is sitting on her beloved box turned stool!  It was so cute to watch her enjoy

I am so excited about this gift!  I got the idea from my neighbor who just had a baby boy a month ago.  It is a "nursing basket!"  Remember those first days of nursing, where you truly could not move anywhere and you scrambled all over the house to grab what you needed before you were secluded in your chair.  Well, here in the basket you have everything you need!  Water bottle, a snack, some fun reading, a heating pad, tea, lotion and some Mama medicines for those first weeks of nursing.

Ironic that it was this rain I was dreading through the weekend: the past week of sunshine left me wanting more and I was not ready to enter back into normalcy for the state of Washington.  But it is this, yes this that I had dreaded, that is giving today.  Giving life and peace and comfort and rest and grace.  Funny too how this reflects my thoughts lately.  To be quite honest it seems that I have slipped backwards into my struggle with Tirzah's sleeping (or lack there of).  I was given victory for a time, but yet again I find myself fighting and complaining and crying when she wakes up sooner than I had anticipated and had hoped.  Yet could it be that that which I dread and that with which I struggle could in fact be life-giving?

I read it the other day in the Family Bible about how the Israelites complained.  Indeed they complained about the manna, that mysterious yet nourishing substance that fell from the sky.  They complained against what God had given them; they complained against his provision.  And it says that God's anger burned against them.  I read that on Saturday when she woke up at 6 and when I had filled the morning with bitter complaints.  The Israelites complained against his provision, his perfect provision because it was not what they wanted nor what they had anticipated and because it was not what they alone wanted, they were blind to the reality that it met their every need.  They were not in want, and yet they complained.  And I realized that was me.  No a six AM wakeup was not what I wanted for my daughter to do on a Saturday morning.  And no it wasn't what I wanted when she only slept 2 hours in her nap and the day before she had slept 4.  And yet I realized, this was God's mysterious provision for me.  That somehow it was good for me and it was just what I needed.  Perfectly planned and given if I would just release my control and my frustration and my way of it all and simply say Thank You.  For I am not in want and I will not complain.

What is it in your life, this day, that perhaps is not what you want and might even be the complete opposite of what you want or think you need, but as you step back and consider it, it is the exact thing God is using to nourish you?

Perhaps another way of looking at it (these thoughts came to mind after our sermon last night, the series entitled The End of Me): what "sin" are you holding onto which you believe it giving you life but is actually depleting life?

I was/am holding onto control: the idol of a baby-on-a-schedule.  I read about these babies all while I was pregnant and in every baby book.  No one told me that it might be 3 hours here and 1 hour there.  I imagined and have expected, no, demanded a schedule from my daughter.  Mainly because I love schedules and routines and mainly too because for the sake of my pride, when people ask if she is on a routine I can say: YES!!!  But it came to me days ago, again in this life-giving forest, that we have been trying to get Tirzah on a schedule for almost a year and half now.  Perhaps it is me that needs to change and realize she just might not even be on one.  I held onto the schedule thinking it was making my life simpler and would give me life when instead it was stealing joy and abundant life and peace and love.  What is that in your life?

Provision is indeed mysterious.  How it can take on 3 different forms: what you don't want to happen is in actuality that which gives life.  What you sometimes think gives life is actually not and losing that thing is what will provide (addition in subtraction, Marlene!), and then just simply gifts.  Gifts in themselves that provide life and healing and grace.


May our eyes be opened to these such provisions as He gives.