Awakened

The day began with her cries at 6 am.

Oh my.  Last week, on Tuesday and Wednesday, she slept until 8 am.  I am so confused, always so confused, how she can change so much.  Yet she has woken before 6:30 for the past few days and my Mama's body and my Mama's mind and my Wife's heart are simply weary.

Simply weary.

Yes we are 14 weeks into deployment and yes we have seen and recalled and known the Lord's faithfulness time and time again through these 14 weeks, these 98 days.  But yet still, I am weary.  The newness of deployment has worn off and the day-in and day-out routine without my husband is so very hard and once again, I am ready for this to be over.  We are 1/3 complete with deployment, but these 2/3 rds that are left just seem so large and huge and almost impossible.  These weeks, these days, one after the other, these moments, these ones right here in the middle, I think these will be the hardest of this season of deployment.  Indeed, the "doldrums" have set in.

My husband called on Sunday morning and what a blessing it was to spend precious time with him over the phone.  His heart is in the same place too.  Aching.  Almost numb.  Our bodies are carrying us to the places we need to go, but our hearts are with the other and sometimes it really just seems as if we are alive but we can't quite fully be present because our other half is missing.  Does that make sense?  I feel as if I can't fully be alive because I am not fully complete without him.  Yet what a beautiful time we had together on the phone; we had time to just cry.  To just simply say this is so hard and this hurts and help.  To just simply hold one another with our words, through the miles and through the distance.

Simply weary.

My heart is weary with the absence of my husband and I myself have been weary as a Mother.  Is not the sacred burden of Motherhood and parenting the most difficult?  Our precious daughter is indeed precious, but to behold her, like beholding any other child or human, is to behold human nature in it's most organic state, which is simply, sinful.  I am weary for I can't seem to communicate to my daughter the disgrace of hitting.  Yes, she hits.  Other children, me, adults, animals.  She hits quite easily and how it breaks my heart to see her living that way.

Simply worn out.

That was how I felt this afternoon, after I laid her down to rest and when I had crawled in my own bed to weep.  Tired and burdened and how much longer must I bear these?  And so I cried and I lamented and I questioned and I buried my face in the pillow and I read and I remembered that He said:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

And I thought about Manna Monday and the Lord's provision through the presence of my brother here this weekend and the way he gave, and led, and served.  And I thought about how my husband and I were both weary at the same moment and we were able to process and cry through the hard moments together, though separate.  And I thought about the fact that children are a blessing from the Lord and how beautiful and healthy and spirited this daughter is.

 I looked back at the week, week 14 of deployment, and I thought about the chain that we have been sending to my husband and the blessings of this week that will be added:

Tuesday:   A great day with Laurie: watching Tirzah play in the fountains and then receiving Daniel's call!

Wednesday:  I felt sick all day long but Tirzah comforted me while I was feeling the absolute worst

Thursday:  Going over to dinner at Melissa's house

Friday:  an evening of drinking tea, playing Cribbage, and talking with my brother

Saturday:  Spending the whole day making soap!

Sunday:  The gift of sleeping in while Michael woke with Tirzah and then the gift of my husband's call

Monday:  Having our first little "artsy" time where I wrote a letter and Tirzah stood beside me on the bench and painted.

And after having turned my mind to think upon the goodness of the Lord instead of upon my weary state, I found the strength to get out of bed and step into the day and what a beautiful afternoon He gave us.  It seemed as though the day was turned around.  I cried no more tears and so my eyes were clear to behold the beauty of the Lord in our own backyard garden,

These are our beans that we planted just a little while ago!

and my eyes were clear to see the gift of answered prayer.  I called Marlene and Greg just briefly to tell them that Tirzah and I had seen some type of animal out in the water while we were down at the beach this afternoon.  I couldn't quite tell if it was a dolphin, an orca, or a sea lion!  But we could hear it splashing around all the way on the shore, we saw it several times come out of the water just a touch, and we heard it spray/breathe a few times as well!  So I had called them just to share our adventure with someone, and she said they had just finished praying that I would have one specific moment that would bring me joy this day.  Amen!

So I say goodnight now, indeed with my heart on the other side of the world, but not feeling as weary as when I was last curled in these sheets just a few hours ago.  May it be said now, that I, that we, are 

simply awakened

for we come weary and burdened to Him and He gives us rest, and we are rest in Him that we might see and believe and be awakened to his goodness