A door knob

I am losing it.

My mind that is.  Truly, I am losing it.

I didn't quite know how this deployment was going to take effect, in myself I mean.  How it would change my mind or change my disposition or what have you.  But in these past weeks, well mainly just this past week, I have found that it has made me loose my mind!

For example, I have been locked out of the house twice in the past month.  Never before have I done that and it has happened twice.

One of these being, as I wrote, from last week and I have yet to find my keys!  Seriously!  How hard could it be to keep track of one's keys?!  But apparently, for me, it is extremely hard because I have absolutely no idea where they are.  So, for peace of mind I got the locks re-done on Friday.  I felt so accomplished having them changed and I was so thankful, for it was twice that week that I visited the Home Depot, making it twice that I received something free!  I know it's not because of my good looks or anything; I know simply it is because I have such a frazzled and disheveled look about me and the new wrinkles in my forehead must seem to spell out: HELP ME!

So normally, if you have not originally purchased your locks at The Home Depot, they charge you $5 each lock to have it changed.  Well the man was nice enough to not charge me that fee and only charged me to make 3 copies of the new key.  Because I promise you, this is not going to happen again!  Keys are copied and we are now taken care of. . . hopefully!

Well I was feeling so accomplished that I had done that: I had taken care of that task.  And it wasn't even that hard to get the lock off the door!  But getting the new lock in the door?  A completely different story.  I must have tried for at least 40 minutes straight, me on my knees, holding one screw in my mouth with one hand on one side of the door and the other hand trying to hold the screw driver and the lock in place.  I probably screwed in the screws 4 or 5 times just to find that the bolt either didn't go all the way out to lock the door, or it didn't go all the way back in and wouldn't allow me to open the door (thankfully I wasn't locked out again!!)  So that was when the moment hit: a breakdown.  I haven't had one in a long while so granted, I was due for one, and on the floor, on my knees, with the front door wide open I had my breakdown.  And I just kept saying over and over and over again: "I am so done!!"  Done with doing these handy-man tasks that I have no idea what I am doing.  Done with being alone.  Done with being a single parent!

And yet the Lord, isn't He is so gracious and so patient with us??  I have been frustrated with Tirzah lately because she has been having an attitude of grumbling and whining and I realized at that moment, that I am just like my 2 year old.  No wonder she behaves the way she does when her Mama acts like I do. . . falling apart over a door knob.  And yet  He is so gracious and so patient and merciful.  What an absolute crazy provision: grace for my breakdowns. grace for my done with it attitude.  grace to finish this desert season.

My dear friend Libby came and helped me to put the lock on, and we finished both doors in about 5 minutes.  And she took Tirzah that evening so that I could go out with 3 new friends and have a girl's night out to dinner.  What an absolute gift.  I do find it so mysteriously beautiful that He would still provide me with gifts such as these when I act the way I do.  Have you ever felt that way too?

Losing my mind. . . maybe.  But losing His love and His grace? Praise the Lord: NEVER.