I am having a really hard season. Yes, most definitely this means deployment season as a whole, but it also means this season within a season, if that makes sense. These past few days, just a little "season" have been so hard for me.
Honestly? Can I say it again? I am so done. I think I have just about reached my limit of having my husband gone and just about everything over these past 7 months is catching up with me. . . right now.
Friday was another break down day, just like it was the week before (perhaps Fridays are my new breakdown days?!). It started with Tirzah not going to sleep for her nap (which that is a frustrating story in and of itself. A few weeks back she needed me to scratch her back, or as she says "sague", to get her to fall asleep. Well I enjoyed doing it that one time, but then I did it more and more and that meant that I was in her room, bending over her crib, scratching her back for 20 -30 minutes to get her to fall asleep. Mind you, she was incredible at falling asleep by herself before and I felt I had just messed everything up. So Friday, I scratched her back for 20 minutes but she still wasn't asleep and so I left. An hour later. . . yeah, she still wasn't asleep. ) So I was frustrated with myself for even starting this whole scratching the back thing, and I was frustrated that she wasn't sleeping. Then I totally let my brother and my sister in law down as I was a day late in ordering a huge co-op order for them. Then I had this huge long list of all these things that I needed to get done before the company comes tomorrow. And I had a surprise to plan, and a girls night that night, and a coffee for the FRG to plan. AHHHHHHH!!!
Total breakdown on the kitchen floor in front of the dishwasher. Not pretty at all and I don't know how the Lord can love me and praise Him that when he looks at me, He sees His son and not the mess of a woman and a Mama that I can sometimes be!
So that moment was just a compilation of circumstances and lists and demands. A bad and hard moment for sure. But then Tirzah and I are having a hard season as well. I know she must be tired of me. . . I think we are at a love-hate season in our relationship. For the past few days it has seemed that whatever Mama says, she says NO to or just starts flat out crying. And can I say it too? That I need some time away from her? Is that so awful of a Mama to say about her child? I haven't been patient with her and I haven't laughed as much as I probably should. And it is HARD being a single Mama to an almost 2 year old.
And I don't write this for you to pity me or anything like that. I write to be honest and I write because this is where I find myself right now. And I remember reading somewhere that it is a fight for joy and I find myself in the middle of that ground with the battle raging all around. And I have bits and pieces of hope; thoughts coming through at different moments: "just hang on, almost done!" Or "slow and give thanks!" Or "God is sovereign and this trial has been ordained and is where you can glorify Him most." But don't you think that some times, it is just so hard to speak these words of truth in our own lives? It is far easier to speak them to someone else, but to speak them to yourself seems at times impossible.
And so that is where I am right now. So close and yet still so far away from the end of this desert season. And feeling like every stress and every burden and every sorrow of these past 7 months is catching up to me and hitting me like a ton of bricks. Has anyone ever felt that way??
Yet even so, even in the midst, I will still write, although I don't feel like it sometimes, I will still write of His provisions, for they are still all around.
Thursday night: our good friend Josh brought his girlfriend over and they made me dinner. And not just a simple meal, an extremely gourmet and elegant meal. And I loved it. And I felt so pampered. Mackenzie walked right in, threw the huge bags of organic produce on the counter, asked Josh to pour her a glass of wine, and called for a team meeting. I liked her instantly. They had arrived a lot later than expected due to a flat tire, so dinner was served around 9 and we sat after for tea and cookies until 11 or maybe even later. But I have never had that before, someone come over and make a meal for me in my own house. But it was absolutely such a gift and I can not wait to bless someone soon as they blessed me that night.
Friday afternoon and evening (after the breakdown): a first homemade batch of homemade play-dough which has been a source of endless delight. A friend taking us for a Costco run. And then, I was pampered again and this same friend came and made dinner for us in our home. Two nights in a row! What a gift. And that evening, a sweet provision of girl time until midnight.
Saturday: a most tender skype date with my husband. Every single military spouse event that I have been to or any single nugget of military advice that I have ever received has told me to not cry to my husband while he is deployed. I am to support him and tell him that everything is ok back here at the home front. Again? Honesty? I SO can not do that. And my husband knows it. With one look at me he can make me cry and that is what happened on Saturday. Tear after tear fell in front of my Soldier, in front of our daughter, and onto a plate full of pumpkin pancakes. He is so incredibly patient with me and how he understands me is beauty itself. I am so thankful for that time with him, that he was able to skype when I needed him most, and I am so thankful for his Doctor's orders: go and rest.
Sunday: an almost 3 hour nap for myself this afternoon! Honesty again??! I didn't have the monitor on and so I think Tirzah woke up way before me, but I didn't hear her and so I just continued to sleep and what an absolute gift on a Sabbath day of rest.
And tomorrow and for the whole rest of the week: the provision of my family. So thankful to welcome them here to our home.
Indeed it may be a hard season. But it is also the season to give thanks, and so I shall. Even if it be in a heap on the kitchen floor, I will give thanks.
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